Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Rough tides.

It's been a trying few days.

Saturday night I felt my blood pressure drop, my temperature rise, and my head go light. It was less than fun. I didn't pass out...though I think my body wanted to.

Something still needs adjusting, physically, emotionally, and just overall.

I've spent a year adjusting things trying to get life back in order. Something is still off. I tried to spend a couple hours the past couple days tinkering with the Camaro to try and drag me out of this funk that i'm in, but it doesn't seem to be 100% reliable as each thing I fix reveals a couple other things wrong.

It's like a damned hydra, really.

Something inside me says that it needs fixing, now, all of it. So I'm listening to that instinct.

I used to live my life under the assumption that everything was fine unless specifically told otherwise. When that backfired (well, not really, I was just being manipulated) I began to overcompensate by assuming that everything was fouled up unless told specifically otherwise. This level of insecurity has me reeling a bit and I am...well, I'm pissed off about it as it isn't very leonine of me. I'm not sure what to do about it, though something needs done.

I guess there's a wrench in my hand, and a bunch of bolts needing to be tightened up, but I'm not sure where to start. It's overwhelming how many little things there are to do. On the surface or from a distance, everything looks fine, but up close and personal, well....

I rattle like a used and abused 1987 Camaro. Go figure.

I looked around for some old pictures of me from days gone by, but they seemed to have vanished. It's hard sometimes not to have anything solid besides memory to reflect ont hings with. Though my memory is excellent (I've been caught "memorizing" things, events, and people before) its not the same as something you can touch. It's saddening somewhat, but I guess I'll get through it. I'll keep looking, as there are a couple nooks and crannies I haven't explored in my pile o'stuff here, so who knows.

Laying awake in the warmness of spring,
with a cat on my chest thinking just of one thing.
Moving forward each day, with each turn of the wrench
Tightening up all the bolts that make me come unclenched.
Though the reasons are far to many to list here,
I will battle through all this and conquer my fear.
And I'll say again now, like I do every night:
It's for you that I do this, because... fighters fight.


Blogger Anniina said...

Great poem :)

1:21 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home