Unclear clarity, irony and a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.

Triumph and tragedy intertwine as ever, never too much of one or the other. Things are clearer now, given new information I have recieved. I heard somewhere once that there can be no future until you settle the past. I suppose that it is now, or at least things make sense. It doesn't make me happier about the series of unfortunate events, but at least they make sense, and I no longer feel as if I am insane.

It was good to know my instincts had not let me completely astray, that there was in fact something deeper involved, though a caveat has remained to not trust in them completely. I'm hesitant to heed that caveat, given that I did find a level of accuracy in them again finally, which restored a lot of my confidence. I almost even swagger again, if you can believe that.

Or perhaps temperance is needed, balance that instinct with what remains of my once-keen intellect into something else. Write a new program, synergize, adapt, and overcome. I may not know what to do right now, but at least now I know that I CAN do something. Either way, now I can deal. My feet are on firmer ground, and there's no more quicksand under me. And even if there is, I'll figure out what to do.

I went to Wal-mart last night. You people may know how I feel about that, but I went anyway. It was quiet and nearly empty, which makes it more acceptable. I bought a new pair of shoes, some jeans, and some cat food.

It was odd buying the jeans and shoes. I haven't spent a dime on myself in months. Unless you count bail, fines, and impound fees. Which I don't.

As I was leaving the store, I saw a little black kitten. It seemed lost, yet playful, as it pounced a stray piece of garbage there in the parking lot. As I approached I saw it was thin and gaunt, but then it fled and hid in a storm drain. That made me sad somehow, but I knew it wouldn't come near me. And that made me sad too. Poor little thing, it just was scared, needed something to take care of it, but wouldn't come near me so I could.

So I wandered back to the car, and realized that duh, I had just bought cat food. So I opened the bag and took a couple of handfuls out, and placed them at the edge of the storm drain. I sat in my car for a bit, and though I realized it might not let me hold it or pet it, that I could do Something for it. The kitten came out timidly, and sniffed the food, and started to eat. It would be okay, for tonight anyway.

And that made me happy.

Thanks Kitty.